The Mind Behind Mental Crossings - An Introduction

My name is Pam, and about five years ago, I suffered from my first-ever manic episode. I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 disorder. However, I want to share that much of my identity has been formed around my beliefs and understanding of my role as a mother. I am proud to say I am a mother of six boys and have spent the last 12 years as a full-time stay-at-home mother and homemaker. As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I value motherhood as a sacred privilege and am devoted to raising my children to be among the world’s best lovers. I hope they can be shining examples through their love for God, love for themselves, including their bodies, love for their family, and love for their fellow men and women.

Regarding professional pursuits, I’m a digital marketer pursuing a bachelor’s degree in communications. This endeavor has been fueled by my desire to speak out about mental health and open the doors for others with mental illness to become better advocates for themselves. I’ve been professionally trained as a massage therapist and have strong values around the body and its natural healing abilities. I am also an entrepreneur and have, in the past, started and worked in my small businesses.

American and religious cultures have ingrained in me the values of individualism, independence, and self-reliance. I believe that my hyperfocus on these values may have laid the perfect environment for my mental illness to manifest itself. Past trauma was a huge part of this as well. I have struggled with feelings of loneliness and a sense that I will never be understood. Accepting the diagnosis and the need for medication has been challenging. I’ve worried excessively that my mental illness causes prejudice towards me in the working world, and I am often angry about the stigmas associated with it.

With the diagnosis came restrictions on personal freedoms I had taken for granted. For a time I gave up the freedom to advocate for myself because I could not trust my own mind and felt unable to make decisions. Maintaining a sense of “normal” can be exhausting and frustrating. My understanding that things like lack of sleep make me more symptomatic often causes anxiety that leads to more problems sleeping and caring for myself. Probably the most problematic thing for me has been my inability to separate my illness from my experiences with motherhood completely. My illness is not isolated to me but also causes extra strain on my family and the community around me. For the sake of myself and my loved ones, I'm on a journey to take back my life, one change at a time. It may be a new normal that fits my understanding of how my body works, but I have hope that my illness will not inhibit me from living it to the fullest.

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